Guilt

I've been feeling some guilt lately, and I've come to realize there are all kinds of guilt. Sometimes people feel guilty about things they have done - like not donating to St. Jude's Hospital when they send you those adorable address labels in the mail....but you use the labels anyways. You could feel guilt about things you've said to people, or things you didn't say and should have. Some people feel guilty about committing a crime - not me, I swear! And of course, there is Catholic guilt. I certainly have my fair share of Catholic guilt - I mean, that's all a part of the religion, right? Some people might feel guilty about cheating on their taxes. But probably not, haha. They might feel guilty that they don't feel any guilt at all about cheating on their taxes.... does that make sense?

The kind of guilt I've been grappling with is parent guilt - its a guilt all about the things that I can't do but want to. It has nothing to do with the things that I have done - because God knows that I do everything I possibly can the very best way I can. Its a guilt that probably eats at all mothers because your whole life revolves around the well-being of your kids. They consumes all your time, thoughts, and energy. And, no matter how much you do for them, it never feels like enough.

Jennie has been getting more possessive of my time and attention. No matter what she has been doing the last two weeks, she asks me, "Mommy, do you want to come/do this with me?" (with an absolutely adorable inflection in her voice). It breaks my heart to have to say no to her and tell her I'm busy with dishes/laundry/Jacob, etc. Do you know how hard it is to say, "Sorry, I can't go to the pretend grocery store with you right now, sweetie"? A few days ago, she asked if I wanted to read some stories in the morning. I said yes, and we read a few. The rest of the day she kept asking to read stories - I don't think she wanted to keep reading stories, but I had said "yes" to it, so she wanted it to continue. Oh, my poor Jennie! I play with her as much as I can - but what I want is to play pretend with her all day; lose my self in her little world and play along with her every whim. However, this would directly interfere with other things I desperately want to do! See next...

Jacob is the most easy going baby - he smiles at the slightest attention given (makes you feel guilty as it is that he gets so excited just when you say hi to him!). It is way too easy to leave him playing on the floor or happily grabbing at toys in the bouncy. What I want to do is spend all his awake time talking to him and keeping him from the TV, and showing him toys, and helping him to grab and sit up and do tummy time. I want to spend all my time helping him develop and take in every moment because it goes by too fast. He learns so much every day and changes so much every day. He found his thumb to suck on a few days ago, is grabbing for toys, and when I went to go check on him squawking last night in his crib, he had rolled himself fully onto his belly! I was very impressed, even if it was 3:30 am. My little man is getting so big.

See my catch-22? Even if I spent 50% of my time with Jennie, and 50% of my time with Jacob, I wouldn't be satisfied with what I can do for them - not to mention what would happen to the never ending dishes in the sink, the condition of my kitchen floor and bath tub, and the absurd amounts of laundry that piles up.... oh, and I suppose I have to feed myself and shower occasionally.

In my mind I know that Jennie is two years old, and this is a major contributor to her feeling clingy and possessive of me. BUT, in my heart I just feel so guilty about not having as much time as I used to for her! In my mind I know that Jacob is getting everything he needs from me, and is a truly happy baby. BUT, in my heart I feel guilty that it can never be the same for him as it was for Jennie when she was a baby.

It is definitely for the best that people don't have a permanent memory until 3 at the earliest. What a blessing for parents! That means all the mistakes we make  and stumbles along the way of learning how to be a parent (especially on how to juggle the needs of more than one kid) are forgotten by our little darlings. All the love and nurturing they experience will make them wonderful kids - and they can forget all the times they were jealous, angry, bored, or had to wait their turn for Mom's attention. In the end I know that I give my kids all the love I possibly can, and I am hopeful that anything else I feel guilty about not being able to do will be largely overlooked. All you need is love, right? <3